So it’s been over a month now since Mollie left us. Gosh what a whirlwind. Since the funeral, we have often thought, should have recorded the ceremony ? Just so we could watch it again and take it all in from a different perspective, as everyone we have spoke to about it says what an incredible day. It’s all a complete blur as expected. Perhaps if we had recorded it, it wouldn’t have been healthy for us to keep watching it. Could have been torturous at the same time…’A Beautiful Funeral’… it seems crazy and not right to put those two words in the same sentence, but it truly was a beautiful day and celebration of wee mols! I just wish we could remember a bit more. I wish more than anything that the whole day never had to happen in the first place, but I so often want to relive that beautiful yet deeply sad day in my head over and over again.
And hello, how amazing were the gospel choir?! Just insane! 🙏 soo glad they were there! I keep asking people who attended the service, what was it like? I can hardly remember, and it’s so lovely to hear different peoples experiences of the day 🙂 We have all the eulogies, speeches and quotes written down which we will of course keep forever so we can remember what everyone said about wee Mols, and how beautiful were all those speeches!? Incredible from each and every person. Eternally grateful, thankyou. It was so so lovely to have so many people turn up to show their farewell to Mollie and to support our family. It was just incredible to have everyone there all together. In the midst of talking and catching up with people at the wake we sometimes forgot why we where all gathered there together, then it hit me like a ton of bricks. It’s always the way isn’t it, everyone gets together at weddings and funerals. Great to see everyone…just horrible circumstances. A true celebration and a gracious send off to darling Mollie.
My 23rd birthday without Mollie was the first celebration without her. I wasn’t looking forward to it at all to be honest, it was indeed a strange mixed emotions kind of day. Just so odd and so sad she wasn’t there. But it’s only a day hey? It just felt like it came round too soon really, but I went for a lovely meal at our wee country pub restaurant just down the road with close family and friends, which we often go to and Mollie came with us on many occasions. So it was made lovely and as enjoyable as it could be given the circumstances. Thank you everyone ❤️
I’ve started a new show, which has been great actually to keep focused on something and keep me busy, and it’s something Mollie knew I was doing and would want me to do so I’m doing it with her help looking down on me every day. Its so strange, honestly I feel like my intuition is always right! Like I had a gut instinct, you know when you just know you know? You have this feeling that things are meant to be or things happen for a reason, I never once felt that I was never not going to start this contract, from the moment I found out I was doing it in February I just knew I was going to do it somehow, even when things where getting really tough at the hospital, and time was against us, deep down I can honestly say I never once thought I wasn’t meant to do it. Even when mols passed the week before, I certainly felt like I didn’t know how I was going to manage to do it, but I always knew I was meant to for some reason and it’s worked out so well.
Even the days off that I had in between rehearsal have worked out great and the fact that it’s only a hour down the road from home in Hemingford, it just all fell into place. I mean what is that? Fate? Destiny? Sheer luck? A fluke? ❤️ Kinda feel like it’s great therapy to get my feet back on the ground and to slowly start to rebuild life without Mols, its a start at least. And I’m really enjoying it which is great 🙂 I wasn’t sure if it was the right thing to do as it was so soon after Mollie’s passing, but I’m glad I followed my gut instinct to go for it.
Granted my heart sinks at moments everyday when I think of mols, but it keeps me distracted at times. I’ll never not think about her, but a lot of the time it still just feels so so surreal. It feels like I’m just going about doing what I would normally do and Mols is at home with Coco listening to music, and I could just call her up at any moment. I just can’t get my head around the fact thst she is no longer with us. She is still so incredibly alive to me. With every new photo or video that someone posts she is so alive and colourful in them that it just feels like she is still here?! I guess I kinda feel in denial about it really!? I’m not sure. It’s so hard to describe. It’s just so strange how time and life moves on…. And you just roll with it, whilst at the same it’s impossible to forget that possibly the hardest thing our family, and any family for that matter will ever have to go through, has happened!? Like there’s this massive boulder of grief that aches us to the core.
‘What first feels like carrying a boulder of grief, becomes a small rock that you carry around in your pocket forever.’
When people ask how we are, my reaction is normally, yea, I think I’m okay? I think so? I guess there is no wrong or right way to feel. And I guess everyone feels it differently. There are times and days that are of course much worse than others, and moments where the sadness is just to overwhelming. But I think I’m okay!?
I had a moment last week where I couldn’t remember the name of a film that me and Mollie had watched. It wasn’t a well known film and I’d only ever watched it with Mols, and It frustrated me so so much and made me so angry and sad cause I would of normally naturally just texted her and she’d text me back straight away. It was one of the many things that only me and Mollie did together and would had known about. I eventually found the name of the film. And I’m sure moments like that are going to happen all the time but it was just so so surreal and horrible not being able to message her, I guess that was a moment of the brutal reality that hit hard. It’s just strange also because with all that we are doing (with the jumpers, events, CLDF etc) it just feels like we’re doing all these things to keep fighting for her to be here! Or bring her back to us… I guess cause it’s a positive thing we are doing it makes us feel good so it feels like were still fighting for her. It’s just so bizarre I can’t explain it. It never crosses my mind that we are doing all this because she’s not here. But then I guess in a sense by doing it, it makes us feel like Mollie is is still alive, so I think we’re doing the right thing. I think we’re coping okay, and I think I’m okay.
I am extremely honoured that the CDLF have asked me to work with their amazing charity and be a representative for them! I can tell it’s just gonig to be such a huge and important part of my life from now on. I’m just so passionate now about trying to help other families and raise awareness, and it makes me feels like I’m doing something extremly important and worthwhile in life. Especially seeing as though a lot of the time with the entertainment industry it can be a very selfish and self centred career if you get caught up in it, as you constantly have to think about YOUR next move and you are constantly investing in yourself which there is absolutely nothing wrong with doing, but I have learnt an extremely important lesson from Mollie, that it is very important to stay humble, kind and caring, and never get to ahead of yourself.
It takes seconds to just be mindful of other people, and treat others the way you would like to be treated. There is enough evil that goes on in the world anyway, why be spiteful and bitter? There is no time or room for it. Working alongside an amazing charity in Mollie’s memory keeps me grounded and reminds me of the true values in life and reminds me that people who have the gift of life, and whom are born into a healthy body are truly blessed and that we should never take anything for granted.
Never become arrogant or look down on anyone never judge people because everyone has a background and a reason why they are they way there are. You never truly know peoples circumstances. Life is far too precious. You have taught me that mols, and I am forever changed. Going through all this with you have completely changed my outlook on life, and my life and how I will live it will be with your voice and spirit guiding me every step of the way 🙂 You’re the voice inside my head whenever I think about anything or have to make a decision, it’s always hmmm I wonder what mols would think or if a new song comes on the radio I’m always talking to you in my head saying awe Mols you’d love this! Or I must tell Mols about this!
Also it had been so so lovely to hear so many people having such vivid dreams of Mollie, myself included. It has just been incredible. I would say my most poignant dream was more like an out of body experience, it was so intense, Mollie was so so incredibly alive and I felt so overwhelmed by her presence! It’s a hard experience to describe and I’ve honestly never ever experienced anything like it. So please do get in contact if you ever have a dream! We would love to hear it! I am keeping a record on every single dream 🙂 – Mollies Dream Book!
After over a month now of talking things out and letting things settle, although life will certainly never ever be the same and at time it’s very hard to ‘settle’ we have learnt something new. After a few recent experiences and certain things and signs that have happen. I definitely believe that a persons spirit lives on. I was never so sure before Mollie, but she has made me believe. We know that Mollie’s spirit was being tortured and could not live on any longer in her physically body. Our bodies are the engine to our soul to drive us through life, look after it guys! We only get one shot at it! But I do truly believe there is more.. Much more… It doesn’t stop at death… No way. As much as we so wanted to and by god I wish she was still living here with us on earth. But it wouldn’t have been fair in the slightest. I truly believe that there is a higher place and that it is a better place and a place that Mollie belongs. I believe she is now free. Free from suffering, free from stress, danger, and false hope.
It has been extremely hard to shake the images and memories that haunt me and the rest of us from previous months leading up to the 29th of April. and I know they will never go away, and they still feel so raw, like a fresh wound. But I now have so many gorgeous angelic images of her in a better place with a cheeky smile of her face, having fun, feeling safe, getting up to mischief with all the other young angels, paying us visits every now through our dreams to let us know she is still with us, looking over us always, and that she’s ok, beyond our imagination.
I can’t wait to see you again one day Mols… Not a single hour of a day goes by that I don’t think of you, I know you are with me always…It still dosent seem real, never will.
Love you forever my favourite little nugget ❤️❤️❤️